We’ve all experienced a toxic person at some point in our lives. A bully, a narcissistic boss, a bad friend, a gaslighting spouse or perhaps even a manipulative family member.
Not all toxicity looks the same at face value, but let us look at Susan’s experience so that we can understand that the essence and outcome of toxicity is very much the same no matter which way you look at it.
Susan* met Frank* at a work function. She was a Marketing Manager and Frank was the CEO of his own successful business. They hit it off immediately, exchanged business cards and Susan received a text from him by the time she arrived home. She was walking on air! And from that moment on, she got hooked into one of the most toxic relationships she had ever experienced.
Frank, slowly, but deliberately began to isolate her from family and friends, using whatever bits of information she had confided in him to plant seeds of doubt, hurt and betrayal. She doesn’t know exactly when, but she woke up one morning and realized that she was totally dependent on him.
Today, Susan looks back and cannot even identify where the courage came from to walk away! Her career had taken a hit, her bank balance an even bigger hit, as she had to appoint a legal team to apply for interdicts against him. She felt threatened and in real danger. She admitted she had hit rock bottom.
The good news…when you hit rock bottom, there’s only one way out…and that’s UP!
Do you know how many versions I’ve heard of this same pattern of behaviour, only with different scenery, characters and cultures? Too many! Have I ever experienced this…yes! Most of us have, and possibly without even realizing it.
Has there ever been anyone in your life, a family member, boss, friend, spouse, lover who has made you feel angry, resentful, ashamed, inadequate to a point where you’ve lost not only your confidence, but you have lost you!
It takes a great deal of courage to ‘cut’ these people out of your life and I know that’s easier said than done.
They are like a diseased tree. You cannot just saw off a branch. You have to take extreme measures and remove the entire tree and root structure completely before it poisons the rest of the orchard. And it will.
Not all of us possess the strength and courage to extricate ourselves and that’s precisely what the toxic person banks on, so they can continue controlling your life, gas lighting you and you are to blame for everything that goes wrong in theirs. They are natural liars and pathologically convincing. You land up thinking you’re the crazy one!
Being in love should never cost you your peace, joy nor happiness. If any relationship (personal or professional) that you’re currently in has more negatives than positives, then something has to change. The price tag of losing yourself is not a price you should ever be prepared to pay.
Here’s some advice I can offer bearing in mind that not all cases are a lost cause:
- If you feel that the situation can be saved, then an intervention or mediator may be necessary.
- Be willing to walk away but take steps to ensure that you are emotionally supported during this process by somebody you trust completely to be there for you.
- Be brutally honest with yourself and check to see that you are not adding ‘fuel to the fire’.
- Use your voice! If you feel that you are afraid to verbalize your feelings, because you are afraid of their response…take note! Walking on eggshells will take its toll on your health.
- Over time, a relationship can feel one-sided and your needs are not as important. To guard against this, retain a measure of your independence and always nurture your friendships. Make ‘space’ for yourself.
- Gaslighting is very common in controlling relationships. If you’ve experienced the need to apologize all the time, or feeling that you can’t do anything right, even constantly doubting yourself – then you are being manipulated. If this is the case for you, do the hardest thing you’ve ever done and walk away.
- And finally, trust yourself and trust your gut!
Taking action in any of these situations is certainly not the easiest thing to do. We try to convince ourselves that somehow if we change, things will get better. They won’t and they don’t. Be kind to yourself and realise that living a happy and fulfilled life is your right!
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